Monte, tell me how this sounds: "Dear FourSquare, I have yet to receive any of the physical badges I was promised years ago. Please rectify this situation or else I will take legal action."

Uh, those weren't real badges, Mortimer.

What?

Yeah. The badges were all on your phone. It was just for fun.

This explains why the hot dog stand never passed any of the laws I put forward as their mayor...